I was Dead/Alive. I knew it. there was nothing inside of me. I don’t know how long I was aware, but i knew it. My hand was decayed. It wasn’t anything I’ve ever felt. I was an EMT. for two years. What a big deal. Two years.
I’d never felt this, just, violent and out of control. Life means more than luxury. But I was ravenous. On this one side, where i kept my memories of families and sympathy with tragedy, my hand decayed. And on my other side, i idolized ferocity and savagely bathed myself in the diamond hatred of that one insidious ideal: I will understand. That’s what I’ve always said.
But now, I wake up from a violent nap where I close my eyes, and imagine towers of flames from familiar boats, and violent showers of sparks and tracers and artillery and infected bodies, onto the deck.
“I want to tell you everything. What do you want to call me? what do you want to ask. I’m here for eternity and eternity is a glorious thing Jimmy. I’ve been looking for you since my time began. jimmy, “dot, dot, dot,” lets be friends.”
“Thank you.” she said and stood with me, her radiant emerald eyes remained nude, gazing in congress with mine. My fears, all of them gone. She stepped into me like a kiss. A passionate famished kiss, like we were inside each other somehow.
“It’s life. Throughout this universe, it’s life and light and glorious infernos and silence and darkness and magnificent arrays of color, kaleidoscopic in the blackness of what you call space. Out there among the dark matter and vibrations, every person that ever was and ever person that ever will be, exists formlessly. For many, not independently. Life is what attracts molecules and individuals. But people choose to swear it doesnt exist.
“But you do believe in a god. One creater who’s special, personal relationship with each and every one of you, and who passes judgement and is invested in the ultimately finite span of each of your lives. Who rewards or condemns, but cannot accept. You believe in this god?”
“Well then, you already do,” she said. “You believe in hope, and you believe in the unknown.” Her core heat my frozen black heart’s vacancy. A rush of warmth washed over me enrobing my body in the sensations of her infinite life.
As she poured herself inside of me, my own life and decay bled into her, both a kind of spirit, cross pollenating. she weakened, grew labored, and all those sensations dissolve and I I couldn’t feel her anymore.
But my heart was already aching. that familiar pain. I’d begun to forget what it came from. Again, i felt confused and alone. And I realized in a way, that I was dying. And so would she if we carried this on.
As i closed my eyes for the moment, in the void that then began to open behind my eyes, I saw a girl, hardened, real, inspiring and familiar, standing at the bow of a ship I was sailing, blood raining down rust red skies.