I was Dead/Alive. I knew it. there was nothing inside of me. I don’t know how long I was aware, but i knew it. My hand was decayed. It wasn’t anything I’ve ever felt. I was an EMT. for two years. What a big deal. Two years.

Fuck. I remember when years were riddled with transitional events. Here, now, people just try to survive. And all of those people trying, are dying.

I’ve killed people…. a lot of people. Most of them only because they wound up dead, and I was involved. That’s a joke. I know. I’m working on it.

I was going insane.

I’d never felt this, just, violent and out of control. Life means more than luxury. But I was ravenous. On this one side, where i kept my memories of families and sympathy with tragedy, my hand decayed. And on my other side, i idolized ferocity and savagely bathed myself in the diamond hatred of that one insidious ideal:      I will understand.  That’s what I’ve always said.   

I will understand

But now, I wake up from a violent nap where I close my eyes, and imagine towers of flames from familiar boats, and violent showers of sparks and tracers and artillery and infected bodies, onto the deck. 

I could always hear a low, crystal clear but distant call of birds. 

My fist clutched that shred of my celestial child, that etherial heart, and seemed to become another mind.

Inside I…, i looked inside.

The splash and gush of waves dissolved. I was alone.

The hooks, of the Blue Jade. The scent. so familiar. On the island.

She was naked, standing in front of me like a majestic golden icon of sexuality, magnificently shimmering like from under an aztec sunset.

“I want to tell you everything. What do you want to call me? what do you want to ask. I’m here for eternity and eternity is a glorious thing Jimmy. I’ve been looking for you since my time began. jimmy, “dot, dot, dot,” lets be friends.”

Oh my god, I thought. I mean, aside from her, i’ve never seen a naked girl in my life. She was incredible and just blatantly flawless. Perfect in every way.

“ok.”

“Okey Dokey. Why do you continue to where those clothes here? They must be so, I don’t know. Don’t they seem a bit excessive.”

“I want to keep my clothes.”

“Suit yourself,” she said and smiled mischievously.

Her light subsided and altered in color and grew dense and delicate and diaphanous, into a summer dress. made of forest green and silver detail. 

“So, you don’t have a name?” I asked.

“Do you want me to show you what I am?” she said

I don’t know, I thought. I don’t think so. I probably ought not to.

“Yes.” I said, I slipped.

“Thank you.” she said and stood with me, her radiant emerald eyes remained nude, gazing in congress with mine. My fears, all of them gone. She stepped into me like a kiss. A passionate famished kiss, like we were inside each other somehow.

In my head I heard her.

“Imagine the Universe, Jimmy. Everything in it.” she said.

“I can’t.” I said, but didn’t believe it, and was already counting and naming the planets and, it all went black.

“It’s life. Throughout this universe, it’s life and light and glorious infernos and silence and darkness and magnificent arrays of color, kaleidoscopic in the blackness of what you call space. Out there among the dark matter and vibrations, every person that ever was and ever person that ever will be, exists formlessly. For many, not independently. Life is what attracts molecules and individuals. But people choose to swear it doesnt exist.

“Some people believe in god. Some god. But yes.” i said.

“But you do believe in a god. One creater who’s special, personal relationship with each and every one of you, and who passes judgement and is invested in the ultimately finite span of each of your lives. Who rewards or condemns, but cannot accept. You believe in this god?”

“No, I don’t. I don’t know what I believe but I want to believe in something.”

“Well then, you already do,” she said. “You believe in hope, and you believe in the unknown.” Her core heat my frozen black heart’s vacancy. A rush of warmth washed over me enrobing my body in the sensations of her infinite life.

As she poured herself inside of me, my own life and decay bled into her, both a kind of spirit, cross pollenating. she weakened, grew labored, and all those sensations dissolve and I I couldn’t feel her anymore.

I fell to my knees, aware of everything. This djinn, this Pan, god of me, please. never leave me. I give myself to you.

“I don’t want to own you. I just want you to love me forever. Love me like this for all our time.” Labored like old satin, She said from inside and all around me.

“I will.”   

But my heart was already aching. that familiar pain. I’d begun to forget what it came from. Again, i felt confused and alone. And I realized in a way, that I was dying. And so would she if we carried this on.

“There’s so much I want to reveal to you, Jimmy.”

“Call me James.”

“James.” She said. 

As i closed my eyes for the moment, in the void that then began to open behind my eyes, I saw a girl, hardened, real, inspiring and familiar, standing at the bow of a ship I was sailing, blood raining down rust red skies.

All the trees on this island where I sat, burst into flocks of tropical birds, escaping the premonition, fleeing this window between dimensions, that I had now opened up.

Everything changed from there.

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